


The Science of Music

by cophinelovin



Series: The Science of Music [1]
Category: Orphan Black (TV), cophine
Genre: Angst, F/F, Love, Smut, cophine - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-07-24 04:12:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 14,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7493358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cophinelovin/pseuds/cophinelovin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Set in NYC. Cosima’s world is changed one night when she goes to see a band with Felix and falls for the lead singer. Angst and a little bit of smut. Multi-chapter, complete work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Reflections

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first stab at a longer work. I had a great time writing this, so I hope you enjoy. Let me know if you do!

"Thanks, Ms. Niehaus," I hear Sophia say as she exits the classroom. She is one of my best students, but a bit of a teacher's pet.

"Have a good weekend, Sophia," I yell after her.

I slump back into my chair. It’s been a long week. I look around the classroom and sigh as I see the lab tables that have not been cleaned up.

"These kids," I mumble, reluctantly getting up to clean before going home.

I think about the weekend ahead, that I should be happy to have some time off, but it just gives me time to think about my life and the routines I have gotten myself into. I'll go home, smoke, drink wine alone, and fall asleep at some ungodly hour after grading papers or researching my next lesson in an attempt to win my kids over. My job has become my life, and I have little to no social life.

Not that I don’t have friends, I just am not that interested in hanging out, and always say no when they invite me. It's my fault really. I've fallen into my lonely routine and am afraid to disrupt it.

I finish cleaning and walk the two blocks to the subway, getting on the train back to Brooklyn. As the train wheels screech, I lose myself in my thoughts. The train emerges above ground to cross the bridge and I feel the warm sunlight on my shoulders. It is finally spring after a long, cold winter, which has been one of the worst of my life. 

I think about my life a year ago. I had been living with Jess, my girlfriend of four years, and I had been happy, or at least what I had thought was happiness. I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. At 31, I was feeling settled, a feeling I wanted. We were going to get married, have kids, all the things you build up in your mind as the perfect life.

That was, until that day in October. It was close to Halloween and we had been making plans to go to a party with friends. Jess was distant, acting weird. I knew something was up. You don't know someone for four years and not know if something is wrong.

She had looked at me with such coldness when she told me. "Cosima, I met someone else. We want to be together. I'm moving to Minnesota for her."

How had she met this girl? How long had this been going on? Fucking Minnesota?

I had been enraged, sobbing hysterically, more hurt than I had ever been in my life, my whole world shattered.

She moved out the next day.

The train screams to a stop at my station. I bolt up, running out the door, taking the stairs quickly and walking briskly to my apartment.

When I get inside, I take off my shoes, put a frozen pizza in the oven and sit down with a glass of wine to relax.

It had been seven months. Seven months since she left me, seven months since I had been with anyone, let alone kissed anyone.

It was lonely. I was lonely.

My friends had encouraged me to put myself back out there, try dating apps. But I couldn't do it. I hated dating apps with people who seemingly only wanted to get laid. Or people who lied to hide their true selves. No, that's not what I wanted.

I close my eyes, sipping the wine slowly. The buzzing of my phone startles me as I look down to see who is calling.

Oh, it's Felix. My best friend. 

“Hey, Felix," I say unenthusiastically as I answer. 

"Hey, what are you doing? Wallowing in your own tears again?" he asks, in his English accent. 

He could be so sweet.

"Felix, what do you want?"

"Well, actually, I want you to come out with me tonight," he says.

"Mmm, I don't know, I'm so tired," I groan.

"And I don't care," he says with a snarky tone, "Robbie is in a band and he wants me to come to his show and you're coming with me."

"Who's Robbie?"

"The guy I'm seeing...hello!"

"Since when?" I ask incredulously. Felix doesn’t do relationships.

"I've been seeing him for two weeks!" he exclaims.

"Oh ho ho, wow two weeks," I say sarcastically.

"Cosima, I'm not taking no for an answer. I'll text you the details and that's the end of it."

He hangs up before I have the chance to protest.

"Argh," I groan.

He texts me the name of a bar and that I should meet him there at 9. Well, at least I have a few hours to myself.

I eat my pizza and finish my wine. I figure I should probably shower before going out. What am I going to wear? I don’t really care that much. I’m not looking to talk to anyone, although I haven’t been out in a while, so I figure I should look decent. I am going out in Manhattan after all.

I decide on a simple maroon dress, letting my dreads down and putting on a little extra makeup. I am meeting Felix's man; I should look good. I laugh to myself.

I grab my jacket and keys and head for the subway. Hopefully, I could be home and in bed by 11.


	2. Movements

“Over here,” I hear Felix yell as I walk into the bar. He waves from a table on the side as I squeeze past the many people occupying the crowded space. 

I find my way there and sit down, finding that he's already ordered me a drink. 

“Cheers! I want to get you nice and loose tonight,” he says. 

“Haha, oh really?” I answer. 

“Yeah, I want to see you have a good time,” he remarks. “The show’s about to start in a few.”

Oh yeah, the band we came to see with Felix’s boy toy in it, I remember. I just hope they're not some crazy punk band. This should be fun, I think sarcastically. 

The band starts to take the stage and Felix waves to the guitar player, who must be Robbie. They start to play; they’re a little bit funky, a little bit pop-like, and their lead singer takes the stage and begins to sing as people applaud. 

I am thrilled because I am a huge fan of female vocalists and it is unexpected with all the male-led bands there are in this city. I don't have a completely clear view so I move my chair ever so slightly over to take a look.

When I see her, a jolt of electricity runs through my body.

She’s tall, dressed in tight black pants with a white tank top, her black bra peeking out from underneath. Her arms are smooth and fit. Her shoulders are bare and they look so soft. She has on black boots that go halfway up her calf with a sexy heel. She has the most beautiful, thick blonde curly hair I have ever seen. I cannot stop looking. On top of all that, she is singing beautifully. Holy shit.

“You like them?” Felix startles me.

“Oh...um….yeah,” I fumble the words from my mouth.

I look back at the singer, transfixed by her beautiful voice, her gorgeous body. This is silly, I think to myself. I haven’t felt any sort of attraction toward anyone since Jess, and all of a sudden I see this girl from a distance and feel something. I grin as I think about how ridiculous this is.

The first song ends and they begin another, a slower song. I find myself staring again when I hear her start singing. This time, she is singing in French. A ballad, in French. Shit, she can sing in multiple languages? I wonder to myself if she speaks it too. French is hot.

The bar erupts in applause when she finishes that song.

“Thank you,” she says. “Thank you all for coming out tonight to hear us. We’re looking forward to giving you a great show.”

Fuck. She has a French accent. 

By now, my heart is beating very fast and I’m sweating. Again, I try to bring myself back to reality, tell myself how ridiculous this is, but I’m completely captivated. Song after song, I find myself hanging on her every word, watching as her strong hands grip the microphone and her hips move in time with the music. The way she casually flips her blonde curls from one side to the other with her hand, the way her foot taps to the music when she is really getting into it.

I kind of forget Felix is there when he yells, “Oi, you want another drink?”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” I say, happy to stay for a while.

I continue to drink and watch the band, relaxing more and more as the night goes on. When they play their last song, I find myself a bit disappointed.

The background music in the bar comes back on after the band finishes.

“Hey, Robbie, that was great,” Felix says as he runs up to give him a kiss.

I sit watching the band pack up. The lead singer is chatting on the side with a few people, presumably friends.

“Cosima, come over here!” Felix shouts. I take my gaze away from the blonde and walk over.

“This is Robbie,” Felix introduces us.

“Hey, good to meet you. I enjoyed the music very much,” I say. “Your singer has a wonderful voice,” I hear myself slip out.

“Oh, yeah, she’s great,” Robbie says. “You want to meet her?”

Before I could answer, he yells across the bar to her and she turns and starts walking over, flashing a smile. My palms immediately get sweaty and I wipe them on my dress in an effort to not seem like a total freak.

“Delphine, this is my man, Felix, and his friend Cosima,” Robbie says.

Delphine reaches her hand out to greet Felix and then turns to shake my hand. “Enchantée,” she says as her eyes look directly into mine.

The moment I touch her hand, another jolt of electricity runs through my body. “Um...hi,” I stutter and stare. I’m so smooth.

She smiles at me as I say, “Your voice is killer…I mean, really beautiful.”

“Thank you,” she says. Her accent is so cute.

“Hey,” Robbie cuts in, “the band is going to go next door and play some pool. Do you want to join?”

“Sure,” Felix says. He looks at me and states, “You’re coming with too. No going home for you yet.”

I’m happy to oblige as I nod and smile.

We head next door and grab a couple of tables. I try as best I can to not make it obvious that I want to be at the table with Delphine.

“Oi, let’s play doubles,” Felix yells to me.

I look at Delphine, gaining the courage to ask her, “Would you want to be on my team?”

“Sure,” she says back. Her eyes alone are making me melt. 

“I just want to warn you. I’m kind of terrible at pool,” I say.

“Oh, that’s ok,” she laughs.

We start to play and order more drinks. I watch as Delphine leans down with the pool cue to take a shot, her shirt riding up to expose her lower back as she leans over. I find myself getting warm. 

She is actually very good at pool and I feel horrible every time it’s my turn.

I miss a shot and turn to her, “Sorry, I warned you.”

She giggles a little, “That’s ok, let me show you something.” 

She gets up and comes up behind me. “Like this.” Her hips press into my back as she helps me to line up the shot. Her smell is intoxicating. I feel her hair tickle my shoulders. I bend with her as she puts her hand over mine on the pool cue. “See, line it up like this. You have to get closer to the table, think of the cue as an extension of your body.”

My face flushes beet red. I try to breathe so it’s not so obvious. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, I think.

I take the shot and miss again. She laughs hard. “We’ll work on it,” she grins.

“I don’t know if this was my calling,” I answer. 

“Maybe not,” she continues to laugh. It’s addictive.

When she gets up to go to the bathroom, I sit down on a stool by Felix. Robbie is off getting us more drinks.

“Soooo, someone is having a good time,” Felix says in his snarky way. “You look like you want to jump her bones!”

My face goes completely red, “Felix! Shit, is it that obvious?” I ask.

“Well, I can read you,” he says. “I think she may be a bit oblivious.”

“Oh, really?” I ask innocently. My mind goes back to the fact that even if she does like women, why would she be interested in a geek like me? She’s fucking gorgeous. She could have whoever she wanted.

Felix nods and laughs as he sees my face, “You are enamored!”

“Enamored by what?” I hear Delphine say to me as she comes up from behind.

“Oh...um...just...this city...enamored by the city...you know... its beautiful pulse,” I stammer. Beautiful pulse? What is wrong with me?

“Ah, yes,” she says, “the city is beautiful.”

I am feeling particularly tipsy after the numerous drinks I have had and I can tell I’m going to do something stupid if I’m not careful.

“Can I get you another drink?” I ask her anyway.

Before she can answer, I hear a man’s voice behind me, “Hey, baby.”

I turn around as Delphine walks past me, throwing her arms around him and giving him a kiss.

My stomach drops. Fuck. Of course she has a boyfriend.

“Cosima, this is Sam,” she says.

“Oh, hey,” I grumble, feeling extremely defeated.

“Sorry I couldn’t make it to the show babe. I had to work later than expected,” Sam says.

“That’s ok,” she says back.

“Let’s get out of here,” he grins as he pulls her hips in tight to his. 

“Ok. Cosima, it was so nice to meet you,” she says as she looks into my eyes once again.

“Yeah, it was really good to meet you,” I say, ignoring the ache in my body as she turns to leave.

I turn to see Felix and Robbie making out in the corner, so I give them a wave and leave. I walk out into the brisk air, my heart pounding, my chest aching. Pull yourself together, I tell myself. 

I can’t stop thinking about her as I ride the subway back home. Her skin, her eyes, her hair, her smile. I'm a lost cause. 

I stumble back to my apartment, having had way too many drinks, strip off my clothes and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. It’s been so long since I’ve felt something for someone. 

In my drunken stupor I think about feeling her skin on mine. I think about caressing her curves from her breasts down toward her hips. My hand finds its way down to my own already wet sex.

I circle my clit with my finger as I think about pleasing her, making her moan while I lick her everywhere. Taking her in my hands, tasting her, fucking her.

My own orgasm shudders through my body as tears stream down my face.

Maybe I’m too drunk. Maybe I just need to sleep it off. But I know this feeling isn’t going to go away easily.


	3. Shades

I am rudely awoken by the buzzing of my phone on my nightstand. It scares the crap out of me and I scramble to make the noise stop. I look at my phone only to see that Felix is calling. 

“Argh,” I groan as I answer. “What do you want Felix?”

“Good morning to you too! We're going for brunch in an hour. Get your ass out of bed,” he says, way too chipper for the morning. 

“What time is it?” I ask, finding my glasses and slipping them on. 

“Almost noon! Rise and shine! See you at Elephant & Castle in an hour!”

God, why does he keep doing that to me? Not giving me a choice in these things? I sigh as I get myself up, my head hurting a bit from the previous night’s festivities. 

Brunch, I think. An inane ritual of the hungover. And I'm one of them. 

\-------

I arrive at the restaurant to see Felix and Robbie standing outside. 

“Oi! There's a bit of a wait,” Felix says when he sees me. “Especially for seven.”

“Seven?” I ask. 

“Yeah, Delphine and Max from the band are coming with their significant others.”

“Oh great,” I groan. “Seventh wheel.”

My ears perk up at the idea that I will get to see Delphine again. As soon as I think it though, I remember my pathetic sadness from the night before. 

Max shows up with his girlfriend and we get seated, still waiting on Delphine and Sam. 

We order drinks and Delphine finally gets there. 

“Sorry I'm late. Sam couldn't make it,” she says as she sits down in the empty seat next to me. 

She's sweaty from walking here and her skin glistens with the sheen of it. I find myself staring again. She flips her hair casually, brushing it away from her face. 

“Hello again, Cosima,” she says, looking at me and smiling. 

When she says my name in that amazing accent of hers, I feel that same electric shock as I feel my face getting red. I quickly grab the glass of water in front of me and gulp it down.

“Hey hey, Delphine,” I stutter after putting the water down.

“I hope you had a good time last night,” she says, “Sorry I had to run, I was having fun.”

“Oh yeah, that’s ok,” I lie, “I left pretty soon after you did.”

The server takes our brunch orders and we continue chatting. Felix goes on and on about some art installation he saw the other day, how it was life changing. I’m completely uninterested. My mind keeps wandering back to the fact that this gorgeous blonde is sitting two inches away from me. I can feel the heat from her body and I notice every little movement she makes. She is leaning forward, her hands on the table, her sleeveless top showing off her long arms. It’s almost too much for me. And she smells so good. So fucking good.

“Oh, Felix, speaking of art exhibits, there’s this one at MoMA that I’ve been wanting to go to,” Delphine states.

I remember that I had seen a subway ad for something there so I answer, “Oh me too, something about the crossover of music and art, right?”

“Yes! It looks interesting,” she says to me, “Would you want to go? Sam never wants to do things like that.”

“Uh… yeah,” I say, trying not to sound too enthusiastic, but ecstatic that she actually wants to hang out with me.

“How about tomorrow? Are you doing anything?”

“No… I mean, yes, I mean, no, I’m not doing anything. Yes, I would like to.” Gosh, why am I so awkward? This girl makes me forget how to speak.

“Great!” she smiles.

We finish brunch and leave the restaurant. Delphine and I decide on a time to meet at the museum and before she leaves, she leans in to give me a hug. My arms instinctively wrap around her body, pulling her in close to me. It only lasts a moment and as we pull away I find myself wanting more.

“See you tomorrow!” she yells as she walks away.

“Yeah!” I say goodbye to the others and walk back to the subway. I’m such an idiot. What am I doing? She’s straight, she’s straight, she’s straight, I keep telling myself. This never works out well.


	4. Tints

My palms are sweating as I approach the museum the next day. I’m nervous, which is ridiculous, because this is not a date. It’s just friends, hanging out, getting to know each other.

“Cosima!” I hear my name in that glorious accent once again.

“Hey, Delphine!”

She pulls me into a hug. “Let’s go inside. I’m so excited about this!”

I follow her inside. The space is beautiful, so open, with extremely high ceilings. We get tickets and make our way through the exhibits. 

“Oh, Cosima, look at this. It’s breathtaking,” she says, standing in front of one of the paintings in the music exhibit. It’s so cute that she is getting so excited.

She grabs my hand and leads me to the next piece of art. “Oh wow,” she squeals.

I can’t stop smiling. I have this giddy, lighthearted feeling in my body, along with this terrible aching in my chest. I have fallen hard. It’s bad.

After walking for a couple hours, moving through exhibit after exhibit, she turns to me and asks, “Do you want to have lunch here? They have a great restaurant.”

“Yeah, sure,” I say.

We grab lunch and sit, both a little bit exhausted from being on our feet.

“So, Cosima, I don’t know much about you. What do you do?” she asks.

“Oh, I’m a science teacher. I teach at a high school in lower Manhattan.”

“Oh, wow! I loved science as a kid. That’s wonderful. Those kids are lucky to have you.”

She makes everything sound so sexy with that accent. Fuck. Me.

“How about you?” I ask. “I know you sing, amazingly, by the way, but do you do anything else?”

“I’m a writer actually. I write for a bunch of online blogs and guest write for magazines sometimes. I work from home, which is wonderful. I can make my own hours.”

“Cool, that’s awesome.”

We chat for a while more, talking about her job and her interests. I am fascinated by anything she has to say. We finally get up to leave after about an hour.

“Cosima, can I get your phone number?” she asks me in front of the museum. “I had a good time. I like spending time with you. Maybe we can hang out again.” She puts her hand on my shoulder.

“Yeah, of course. Me too. I mean, I had a really good time with you too.” 

We exchange numbers and go our separate ways after a quick hug.

Wow, I think. Three days in a row. I’ve seen her three days in a row. This certainly is ridiculous.


	5. Colors

The next few days are torture. I go to work, but I cannot stop thinking about her. I feel like a teenager.

_Dear Diary,_

_I have a huge crush on a straight girl, YET AGAIN. Fuck my life._

_xoxo Cosima_

It’s unbearable. Maybe after some time, if I don’t see her, it will go away. 

It doesn’t help when, on Wednesday afternoon, she sends me a text message.

**Hey, Cosima, it’s Delphine. I find myself in lower Manhattan today and wanted to see if I was nearby. I figured you get off work soon?**

I look at the text. This is random. I smile to myself.

**Hey Delphine! Yeah, I get off work at 3. My school is on Macdougal between Prince and Houston.**

What am I doing? I just decided I shouldn’t see her. 

**Great! Can I stop by then? Grab a coffee?**

**Sure, I’ll meet you out front.**

I am grinning like an idiot.

\-----

“Hello, Cosima!” she greets me with a kiss on each cheek. I feel a shudder pass through me when her lips meet my face.

“Hi,” I say, “fancy meeting you here.”

“Well, I was in the neighborhood and wasn’t doing much, so I figured I would see what you were up to,” she smiles at me and my heart melts.

“Awesome, it’s good to see you. There’s this coffee shop on the next block. Shall we?”

She nods and links her arm in mine. We walk close together, our stride in sync until we get there.

We order coffee and sit down at a table next to the window. It’s a beautifully sunny day, and the sunlight washes over her, making her blonde curls glow even brighter.

We chat about anything, everything. I ask her about her background. She tells me she came over from France when she was 18 to go to school and has been here ever since. I tell her stories about the kids at school, about funny mishaps in the lab, and she laughs at my jokes. She is always smiling. Her lips are perfect.

She tells me about Sam, how they met. I try to keep a smile and nod, though it pains me to hear about him. She tells me about how he is always working, and how he can sometimes be a total jerk. It’s the first time I’ve seen her have any hint of sadness in her voice. Her smile goes away for a moment until she changes the subject.

I think about how I want to keep talking, want this conversation to keep going, to just be around her is wonderful.

“Delphine,” I pause, nervous that I’m being too forward, “I was thinking of grabbing some takeout for dinner. Would you want to come over and hang out?” I can feel my pulse beating through my entire body.

“Mmm...ok,” she says immediately.

Ok. Now I’m in deep. 

\-----

We grab some Thai food on the way home and I find myself getting increasingly nervous as she steps into my apartment.

“Sorry it’s such a mess,” I say, quickly picking up the pieces of clothing I’ve left all over the place. I am not the tidiest. “Would you like some wine?” 

“Sure.”

We sit down to eat on the couch since I don’t exactly have a kitchen table. 

“This place is cute,” she says, “It fits you.”

“Oh, um, thanks,” I blush.

We continue to talk about art, and music. I tell her about my nerdy upbringing, how obsessed I was with doing science experiments in my backyard. 

“Sounds like you were adorable,” she says.

“Were?” I’m feeling a little bit more relaxed after a couple glasses of wine.

She laughs, “Uh huh, ok, you still are.”

My heart feels like it’s going to pound right out of my chest.

I move a little bit closer to her on the couch. We’re both sitting cross-legged facing each other as we continue our conversation.

“What? No way, he didn’t say that!”

“He did!” I’m telling her about the time one of my students talked back to me and how I had to take it seriously even though I wanted to burst out laughing.

“That’s crazy!” she says as she puts her hand on my knee in front of her.

I look at her as she is giggling from my story, wanting so badly to reach out and touch her, to caress her cheek, to pull her in tight to my wanting lips, to breathe her in as I run my hands through her hair.

I can’t though. I can’t bring myself to do it because I don’t want to ruin this.

She catches me staring intensely. My breath chokes in my throat.

She grabs my hand abruptly stroking my fingers gently. I wonder if she can feel my heart pounding. She looks like she wants to say something.

“Cosima,” she says after a moment, “I should go.”

“Oh...ok,” I say, trying not to sound disappointed.

“Thank you for this,” she says as she gets up. “It was really fun.”

“Yeah...of course. I had fun,” I say, straining.

“Ok, see you later.”

She leaves quickly.

Fuck. 

I lay back on the couch, my heart still pounding like a hammer against my ribs. A rush of emotion shoots through me as my eyes well up with tears. I don’t want to feel this way. It’s unfair. After all I’ve been through. Why does the universe have to drop this incredibly attractive woman, who I can’t have, into my life? I’m losing myself.


	6. Impressions

I head over to Felix’s after work on Thursday. I’m feeling like I need to smoke and drink, and who better to do it with than Felix.

His apartment is so much nicer than mine, huge, tall ceilings, art everywhere. I settle into the couch with my joint and try to relax. 

“You want white or red?” he asks from the kitchen.

“Red.”

He comes over with two glasses of wine and plops down next to me. “What’s going on with you? You seem like you’re somewhere else.”

I look at him. Should I tell him? If I say it out loud, that makes it real, right?

“Oh, nothing, just work has got me a little stressed,” I lie.

“That’s bull, Cosima, you love your job.” He sees right through me. I’ve never been a good liar. “This is about her, isn’t it?”

“What?”

“Delphine. I saw the way you were looking at her the other night during the concert. I’m not an idiot,” he says.

I groan and roll over onto my side.

“Have you seen her since brunch on Saturday?” he asks.

“I hung out with her twice. She came to find me at school yesterday.”

“Oh my god, she’s totally into you!”

“What? No, no, Felix, she has a boyfriend. She’s not even gay. She just wants to be friends.”

“Is that what you want?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want. She’s straight.”

Felix looks at me and tilts his head, “Everyone’s a little bit gay, darling.”

I grab the pillow from behind me and fling it at him. “Shut up,” I say, laughing.

“Look, come with me tomorrow night. The band is playing at this little club in Williamsburg,” he says.

“I don’t know if it’s a good idea. I feel like I’m just torturing myself.”

“Maybe you should just tell her how you feel. Rip the band-aid off. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Um, she could think I’m a total freak and never want to speak with me again,” I remark. 

“Well, you’re torturing yourself by not being honest,” Felix says. “Come with me.”

I can’t deny that I want to see her sing again. The way her mouth moves when she sings in French, just thinking about it sends a shiver down my spine.

“Ok, I guess, one more time.”

I’m totally fooling myself. And pulling myself deeper and deeper into this hole.


	7. Sparks

The club is crowded when I arrive the following night. I search around for Felix when I hear a voice. “Cosima!”

I turn to see Delphine walking toward me. She’s wearing tight black jeans and a white blouse that hangs loosely off her slim build. Her makeup is done up and she looks stunning.

“Hi! I didn’t know you were coming,” she beams.

“Oh, yeah, Felix just invited me yesterday. Couldn’t pass up another chance to see you sing.” Shut up, shut up, shut up, my mind says.

She grins widely at my remark. “I’m so glad you’re here. Come, sit over here.”

I follow her to a reserved table where I see Felix and Robbie...and Sam. 

“Hey, Cosima, you made it,” Felix shouts and gets up to give me a hug. “Come sit by me.”

“Well, we should go get ready,” Delphine says to Robbie. “See you after the show,” she says to all of us before giving Sam a kiss on the lips.

I turn away as the pit of my stomach drops.

The band is great again. I recognize some of their songs from the other night. I am completely entranced, watching Delphine, as her body moves to the beat. Every time she reaches up to put her hands around the microphone, her shirt rides up just a little bit, revealing her flat stomach and causing me to lose my breath. I am warm, very warm, and it’s not just the wine.

Their set finishes way too soon for my liking and I try to make my way to Delphine to congratulate her but I am lost in the crowd. I try to see over people, but being so damn short has its disadvantages. The crowds finally part and I see her speaking to Sam in the corner. Her face looks concerned and she is making frantic movements with her hands. 

I get a little bit closer when Delphine breaks away from him. She has tears in her eyes. She sees me and says, “Sorry, I have to go.”

Sam follows her, yelling her name as they leave the bar.

What the hell? I think. Should I go after her? No, that’s not appropriate. I’m upset. I really wanted to talk to her.

I go back to the table and gather my things. 

“Where’s Delphine?” Felix asks, with Robbie sitting on his lap.

“She just said she had to go and bolted,” I say.

“Oh, she’s probably having problems with Sam again. He’s such a douche sometimes. I can’t believe she’s still with him,” Robbie states.

“I think I’m just going to go home,” I say, defeated. “You guys have fun.”

I leave and start to make the lonely trek back to my apartment. I can feel the tears coming up into my eyes. What is wrong with me? I can’t let this go. And the look on her face, she had so much sadness in her eyes. I wanted to grab her, hold her close, tell her everything was going to be ok. I wanted to kiss her tears away, tell her she doesn’t need him, that I would take care of her, love her.

Love? Fuck, is that what this is? I’ve only known her for a week, I think to myself. This is crazy.

I finally get home and lay down on the couch with another glass of wine. It’s late but I don’t want to go to sleep yet.

My phone startles me. I have a text. It’s from her.

**Hey, are you up?**

I respond quickly, probably too quickly.

**Yeah. Are you ok?**

**Can I come over?**

My palms get sweaty again.

**Yes.**

The wait for her to get here is agonizing. What does she want? What happened? What am I going to do when she gets here?

The buzzer finally rings and I push the button to let her in. When I open my apartment door, she looks like a total mess. It’s obvious she’s been crying. Her eyes are red and watery and she looks as if she will break down at any moment.

She looks at me and says, “I broke up with Sam.”

“Oh… Delphine, come in, come here.” I grab her into a hug as she begins sobbing into my shoulder.

I lead her over to the couch and get her some tissues and a glass of water.

“Gosh, I’m a mess,” she says, “I’m so sorry to barge in on you like this. I just really didn’t want to be alone.”

“That’s totally cool,” I say reassuringly, trying to hide my ecstasy that she is here. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“He’s just a jerk, and I’ve known that for a while. I just couldn’t get up the courage to break it off. But I finally did. I did it.”

She begins to cry and shake again. I take her into my arms as she rests her head on my shoulder. I know I probably shouldn’t, but I bring my lips to her temple to kiss her ever so slightly. She doesn’t seem to mind so I do it again. 

“Shh,” I whisper, “it’s ok.”

I hold her tight to me as her tears slow. She takes my hand in hers and squeezes it. “Thank you, Cosima. You are so sweet.”

All I can do is nod and swallow. It takes all my strength to not take her in my hands right there and kiss her sweet lips.

“It’s so late,” she says, breaking the silence. “I should let you go to bed.”

“Stay.” The word slips out of my mouth before I can catch myself.

“Oh, no, I don’t want to intrude.”

“No, you’re not. I’m happy to have you here. And you said you didn’t want to be alone right now,” I pause. “I don’t really want to be alone either.”

I look into her tear soaked eyes. “Ok,” she says quietly.

“You can take the bed,” I say before she has the chance to change her mind. “I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“Please, I’ve already put you out by showing up here like this. I’m sorry, I think I’m just a little too drunk.”

She has no idea that this is all I’ve wanted, for her to come running to me, for me to hold her in my arms. I want more, of course, but I can’t tell her that. Not now, not while she’s drunk and emotional.

“Come on, let me find something for you to sleep in.”

I rummage through my drawers, finding a tee shirt that’s too big on me and some shorts. I head to the bathroom to brush my teeth while she changes. When I come out, she’s already under the covers of my bed.

I start to head over to the couch when I hear, “Cosima?”

“Mmm?” I answer.

“You can sleep here next to me. I don’t mind.”

My pulse quickens. I tell myself to calm down. What is this girl doing to me? It’s going to drive me literally insane.

“Are you sure?”

She nods. 

I climb into bed next to her, immediately feeling her warmth as I get under the blanket.

“Thank you, again,” she says, laying on her side facing me. 

I am feeling very drunk and tired and the things I want to do are clawing at me from the inside. I try to breathe. She has to make the first move, I think to myself. She’s straight, she just broke up with her boyfriend for goodness sake. Just be content, I tell myself. She’s here, in your bed, just be happy about that.

I feel her arm moving toward mine under the covers. She runs her fingers down my arm before grasping my hand in hers, intertwining our fingers.

“You’re the best,” she says sleepily, “the sweetest… the kindest.”

She is drifting off to sleep and my entire body is tingling at the touch of hers. Her hand is still in mine as I hear her breathing slow down and she slips into slumber.

All I can do is savor the moment of her skin on mine, and think, my god, this woman is going to kill me.


	8. Fireflies

I wake up hazily the next morning as I slip my glasses on, only to see Delphine throwing her coat on. 

“Hey,” I say, with a rasp in my voice.

“Go back to sleep,” she says, “I have to go.”

And just like that, she leaves.

I groan and roll over, looking at the clock. It’s only 7:30. I take my glasses off again and let myself sleep some more.

\-----

I wake up again around noon with a splitting headache. I pop a couple of ibuprofen and brew some coffee. 

I sit on the couch as the memories of the night before flood back. The feelings, the wanting, it's taking over. I don't think I can stand to be with her again without my world crashing down. 

My phone buzzes. 

**Hi Cosima. I just want to apologize for last night. It was stupid of me to come over like that. I was drunk and too emotional and I wasn't thinking.**

Why is she apologizing?

I wait a moment before responding. 

**Please don't apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm just glad I could be here for you.**

_I feel like we've known each other for years even though we only just met. I want to be your rock, the person you run to when you need someone. The one person to wipe away your tears._

I want to write that. But of course I don't. 

I take a deep breath and reply again before she can respond. 

**Too bad you had to leave so early this morning. I was looking forward to seeing you.**

No answer. Ten minutes go by. Ten long minutes. 

Suddenly my phone buzzes. 

**Meet me in Prospect Park?**

I respond immediately.

**Ok. When?**

**At 3, by the old fountains in the rose garden.**

**Ok.**

Here we go again. I'm like a glutton for punishment. I am only doing this to myself. 

\-----

I see her as I approach the garden. She's wearing a light sundress, different from her usual tight pants and tank top. She's stunning, sitting there on the bench, staring at the flowers. I'm pretty sure I'm going to burst. 

“Good afternoon, Delphine,” I say with a smile. 

“Bonjour, Cosima.”

Mmm, bonjour, I think to myself. 

“I know you don't want me to apologize but I feel like I have to,” she states. “I've been a little bit of an emotional wreck because of Sam and you don't deserve that from me.”

She pauses. “I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life, in general, and there are just so many uncertainties, it's been hard. I'm sorry to lay this all on you. You're just so easy to talk to.”

I reach out and put my hand on hers. “I'm here for you,” I say. I am not making this any better for myself. 

She looks away. “Delphine? Are you ok?”

When she turns back to me there are tears in her eyes. She chokes back a sob, “Gosh I'm such a mess again.”

My body is screaming on the inside, telling me to reach out to her, but my mind is screaming no, you can't do that. The battle inside me is making my entire body ache beyond anything imaginable. 

She grabs my hands and looks directly into my eyes, with an intensity that I cannot bear. 

My mind loses the battle. 

I grab her face in my hands forcefully, letting one hand slip to the back of her head, my fingers rooted in her thick hair. I pull her lips to mine, entangling her in a passionate kiss. I almost cannot breathe. The electricity that shoots from my lips all the way down is intense. I feel like I'm floating, high off the energy of her. 

Delphine pulls away. She looks stunned. I all of a sudden have a terrible feeling of dread in my stomach and it shows on my face. 

She's just staring at me. I can't read her. I'm just about to say something when she sticks both of her hands into my dreads, pulling my head forward, our lips meeting once again. The surge of adrenaline ignites me. I whimper into the kiss as our lips and tongues entwine. She tastes amazing, salty and sweet, and her scent filling my nose is incredible. I am panting for breath but I don't want this to end. I hear her moan into my mouth and it sends a shock through my entire body. 

She pulls away again, looking at me with the same intensity as before. “Oh my god, you feel it too?” she asks me. 

“Feel it? Jesus, Delphine, I've had a crush on you since the moment I laid eyes on you,” I admit, staring into her beautiful hazel eyes, my hands still holding her face. 

She seems startled by what I just said and starts tearing up. 

“I felt it too,” she says, “but I was scared. I've never had such strong feelings for a woman before.”

“But you've had feelings for women before?”

“Sure, but never enough to act on it. Just little crushes here and there. But this...you...it's different.”

“I knew there was something when you texted me out of the blue that you just _happened_ to be in the neighborhood,” I tease her, smirking. 

She laughs. “You got me.”

I take her hand and move in closer to her so our bodies are pressing against each other's. 

“Delphine? Can I take you on a date?”

“Are you asking me out?” she grins, teasingly.

“Yes. Yes I am.” I smile back, much more sure of myself now. 

“Then, yes. You can take me out. I'll allow it.”

“Good, how about tonight?”

She giggles, “Mmm...ok.”


	9. Currents

We part ways and I run home to prepare for our date. My head is swimming. I feel like I'm on top of the world, thinking about her lips on mine, the way she tastes, the way she smells. I dance around the apartment while I get dressed. I can't even remember the last time I felt this way. 

I told her to meet me here at 7. I want to surprise her, not tell her where we are going. 

Promptly a couple minutes after 7, I hear a knock at the door. I open the door to see her beaming at me. 

I smile and pull her in for a deep kiss. 

“Gosh, Cosima, it's only our first date! And we haven't even had it yet!”

“Sorry,” I blush, “you're just irresistible.”

She blushes this time. 

“Come on, let's go,” I say as I take her hand and lead her out. 

“Where are we going?”

“I'm taking you out. And it's a surprise. So no more questions.”

\-----

I take her out for dinner at my favorite soup dumpling spot in Chinatown followed by a walk to one of the best ice cream shops. Her eyes light up when she sees the ice cream. They freeze the cream right in front of you at this place, mixing in whatever toppings you want and scraping it up from the freezing metal plate on the counter. 

We walk along the water after finishing our ice cream and look out onto the East River. I pull her in close to me, my arm wrapped around her hip. She's so much taller than me, it's almost comical. 

I stop us, pulling her around so she faces me, the lights making her hair shimmer and the wind making her gorgeous curls shift. 

I gaze into her eyes. “You are so beautiful,” I say. 

She smiles and bites her bottom lip. Holy shit. That does something to me. 

With my hands around her waist, I pull her in tighter to me so our hips press into each other. She lowers her head and kisses me gently, her soft lips caressing mine, taking my breath away and weakening my knees so I can barely stand. I lean into her and she supports me, leaning right back, her hands holding the sides of my face. 

In that moment, I am ecstatic inside. My skin tingles with electric pulses racing through every nerve ending. 

She stops kissing me, bringing her mouth to my earlobe and nibbling gently. 

“Shit,” I say audibly, as my knees buckle. 

She smirks at me. She knows what this is doing to me. And she likes it.

She leans in again and whispers in my ear, “Cosima...take me home.”

That's it for me. I am so turned on by her, I can barely stand. 

“Your wish is my command,” I squeak out, not able to fully speak. 

We ride the subway home, sitting extremely close, our hands intertwined, never letting go. The anticipation is excruciating. 

When we get to my apartment, the door is barely closed when I push her up against the wall and attack her mouth with mine. She moans immediately as electricity runs through my body. I run my lips up her jaw, getting to the smooth skin behind her ear. I take in her delicious scent before biting her earlobe gently. She groans. 

I realize for a moment that maybe this is going a little too fast for her. I back up for a second. 

“Delphine, is this ok?”

“Yes...just...kiss me,” she moans. 

I smile and pull her mouth hungrily back to mine. My hands find the bottom of her shirt. When my hands touch her flat stomach, I moan into her mouth. I work my way up to feel her breasts and her hard nipples under her bra. 

I bring my lips to her ear once again. “I. Want. You.”

She whimpers under my touch and I feel her taut ab muscles flex as she writhes. 

“Cosima, please, take me to bed.”

“You're demanding,” I tease. 

“Brat!” she says to me as she grabs me and leads me toward the bedroom. 

She strips off her own shirt, and tugs mine off, pulling me on top of her on the bed. 

I kiss down her neck to her collarbone, grating my teeth over the bone. I bring my lips down her chest, kissing her sternum. I remove my own bra and she unclasps hers, letting it fall off the edge of the bed. I stop for a moment to drink her in. She is fucking breathtaking. I cannot believe she is real. And that she wants me. 

I let my breasts fall on top of hers, basking in the feel of our skin together, our nipples touching. She runs her hands over my back, feeling my vertebrae and pulling me in tight to her body. My thigh slips between her legs and grinds against her through her pants. She lets out a sharp breath. 

I start kissing her chest, taking each nipple into my mouth as she squirms, breathing heavily beneath me. I bring my lips down slowly, kissing her stomach as she giggles a little bit. I put my mouth over her hipbone, using my teeth to bite her gently. 

I unbutton her pants, pulling them down with her underwear and throwing both on the floor. Her body is beautiful, perfect. I remove my own pants quickly, and kiss the top of her mound just above her curls. 

“Come up here for a second,” I hear her say. 

I bring my body back up to hers and she pulls me in for another deep kiss. She kisses my neck as I whisper, “I want to taste you.”

She nods her approval and I move back down. I bring my mouth to her slick lips and run my tongue up them, tasting her. She whimpers as soon as I bring my tongue to her clit and juts her hips up sharply. I bring my mouth around her little bundle of nerves and suck gently. 

“Ohh...Cosima,” she moans as she closes her eyes, her mouth open, her head back. 

She looks so incredibly sexy. The throb between my own legs is almost unbearable. 

I insert a finger inside her with my mouth still on her clit. She lets out a guttural groan. 

“More...mmm...more,” she says, panting. 

I insert two more fingers, pulsing in and out as I remove my mouth from her clit to move up and swirl my tongue around her perky nipple. 

She pants and whimpers as I thrust into her, curling my fingers inside. 

“Oh god...Cosima...yes...fuck me.”

She starts to buck her hips more frantically. 

“I'm so close...don't stop.”

I bring my mouth back down to her slick clit and tease it gently with my tongue. “Come for me, baby,” I say. 

Her hands grab the sheets into fistfulls as she screams. “Oh merde…I'm coming...I'm coming.”

Her body convulses as she comes hard. I keep my fingers inside until she's felt every aftershock and her muscles relax. 

“Hold me,” I hear her say quietly. 

I crawl back up her body, kissing her cheek and laying my naked body mostly on top of her. I wrap my arm around her neck, pulling her face close to mine. 

“You are incredible,” I say into her neck. 

“I think it is you who is incredible...shit,” she says to me. 

I grin into her skin. I can't believe how happy I am. 

I can feel her breathing slow down before she begins to kiss me again and her hands begin to roam down my side, making me shudder. 

I put my palm on her cheek and say, “Hey, it's ok if you don't want to. I am perfectly happy just like this.”

“No, I want to feel you,” she says, “I need to make you feel as good as you just made me feel.”

Electricity jolts through me again as her hand finds its way down to my wet center. It's not going to take long, I think to myself. I've never been this aroused. 

She throws off my underwear quickly and teases at my folds, making me whimper. She takes one of my nipples in her mouth, nibbling gently as the pleasure is sent straight down to my throbbing clit. 

She inserts two fingers, pumping me slowly at first, then inserting another as I get more and more wet for her. 

“Harder,” I tell her. 

She thrusts into me harder and faster, moving her thumb so it's situated just over my clit as she literally has me in the palm of her hand. I am so close to spilling over the edge but it feels so fucking good I try to prolong it as long as possible. I grab her thumb with my hand and position it just right over my clit as I press it in harder. The waves of pleasure build within my core and I shatter, writhing and moaning as I come. 

I grab Delphine and pull her in tight to my chest, my heart beating so fast as I come down from my high. 

“Fuck...that was nice.”

“Nice?” she asks, smiling. 

“Ok, really fucking hot,” I say. “You are really fucking hot.”

I run my fingers through her hair as I look into her eyes. I’ve fallen so hard for you. I want to say it but I can't. I know it's way too fast and I don't want to scare her away. 

She smiles at me and I melt all over again. I grin like an idiot as I bury my face into her shoulder. She kisses my head a few times, our arms and legs entangled in a naked mess. 

“I'm so tired,” she whispers. 

“Sleep then,” I say, playing with the curl hanging down by her shoulder. 

“Is it ok? If I stay?”

“Oh my god, yes!” I exclaim. “I want you to.”

“Ok,” she smiles and yawns. 

I roll over so my back is to hers. She pulls me in tight, her arm wrapped around my waist. She kisses me sweetly under my ear as I feel her breath on my neck. 

“Goodnight, ma chérie,” she whispers.

I can't believe the way I feel. This incredible woman is here, holding me, making me feel safe. My eyes begin to tear up but I suppress the feeling. I relax as I hear her breath begin to slow and her grip on me go slack. 

I eventually drift into sleep with a happy feeling in my heart.


	10. Ecstasies

I open my eyes to see Delphine laying on her side with her back to me, fast asleep. All the memories of the previous night come rushing back and I smile. I push myself up against her back, wrapping my arm around her waist, pulling her in toward me. I lay light kisses on her shoulder blades and drink in her wonderful scent. She rolls into me with a cute moan. 

“Sorry, didn't mean to wake you,” I whisper.

“Mmm, that's ok,” she says sleepily. 

She rolls over toward me and buries her face in my shoulder, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me in. “You're so soft,” she says. 

I grin, giving her little kisses along the top of her head. “I'm going to make you breakfast,” I say to her. 

“Ok.”

I get up, throw my robe on, and head to the kitchen. I hope I have something in my refrigerator that I can throw together. I grab eggs and see that I have some english muffins. I whip up a couple of over easy eggs and lay them atop the toasted english muffins as Delphine walks out. She's wearing my other robe which is entirely too short on her. “I borrowed this, hope you don't mind,” she says with a smirk. 

“Oh no, I don't mind at all if you wear all my clothes that are too short.”

She giggles, coming over to clutch my hips in her hands, firmly pulling me toward her and bringing my mouth up to meet hers. 

“Mmm,” she moans, “I haven't had that good of a sleep in a long time.”

“Oh yeah? Why is that?” I ask, teasingly. 

“Somebody wore me out.”

“Mmm, who is she? I'll kick her ass.”

She laughs, her beautiful dimples showing as she smiles. She is so fucking adorable. 

We have breakfast and lay together lazily on the couch. She sits with her back against the arm of the couch while I lay on my back, leaning into her with my head resting on her shoulder. She draws tiny circles on my arms with her finger, sending shivers through my body. 

“I suppose we should get up and do something,” she states. 

“Whyyyyy?” I whine. 

She laughs. “I for one, could use a shower,” she says, matter of factly, and then leans her lips down to my ear to whisper, “and I wouldn't mind some company.”

I'm on my feet before she finishes her last syllable, leading her toward the bathroom as she giggles. 

We both disrobe, running the water until it's warm and jump in, a mess of wet limbs grasping for each other as our breath quickens. 

She kisses me deeply, her tongue roaming in my mouth, making me groan with desire. She grabs the body wash, putting a generous portion on my loofah and begins scrubbing down my back, not missing an inch. I never knew bathing could be so sensual. She washes down my entire body as I ache for her to touch me more. 

When she's done, I take the loofah from her and do the same, pouring all over her long body until she is clean. 

“This is silly,” she whispers. 

“Why?” I ask. 

“Because I'm just going to make you dirty again.”

A shock jolts through my body at her words as her hand finds its way down to my clit. She begins circling slowly as waves of pleasure rush through my muscles. I'm not sure how much longer I can stand. She gets behind me while I brace myself, putting both hands on the wall above my head. She reaches around and continues to stroke me until I'm too sensitive to keep going like that. 

“I want you inside,” I tell her. 

I lift one leg up and rest my foot on the side of the tub. She comes around to my front and inserts two fingers as she gazes directly into my eyes. I feel as though I might collapse right there. She pulses, in and out, each motion making me gasp and pant. I'm close so I reach down to rub my clit. I'm afraid I'm going to fall if I come but I can't stop now. 

“Delphine…shit…I'm coming...hold me, please...fuuuuuck.”

My pleasure rips through me as my entire body spasms and then goes limp as I fall into her arms. 

She grasps me tightly as I bring my arms up around her neck, resting my head on her chest. 

“You doing ok?” she asks teasingly. 

I grin into her skin, “Mmmhmmmm.”

“Come on, we should stop wasting water.”

She shuts off the water, wrapping me in a towel and drying herself off. I grab her hand and lead her back to my bed. I am regaining strength and I want her. 

I throw off my towel and shove her naked body down on the bed. She stares at me with intensity, biting her bottom lip. My mouth glides over the soft curves of her body. I kiss down every inch of her heavenly skin, moaning, drinking in every sense of her. 

I bring myself back up to her ear and kiss her gently as I whisper, “I want to make you scream.”

She lets out a moan and grabs me tighter.

I bring my mouth down to her clit and suck gently, eliciting a groan from deep within her throat. I dip my tongue in between her slick lips. She is writhing underneath me, pushing her hips toward me, begging for more. I continue to please her, using my tongue, working my fingers in just the right way until she spills over the edge, a rush of heat coursing through her body.

Her whole body relaxes as she turns over onto her side and I get behind her, spooning her. She’s so much longer than me so it’s funny that I’m the big spoon, but I put my arms around her and pull her tight to me, my face right up against her shoulder blades. I feel her breath slow as she calms.

“Cosima?”

“Mmm?”

“I’ve decided we should stay in bed all day.”

I giggle. “Sounds good to me.”


	11. Truths

We see each other every night that week. Whoever made up the joke about the lesbians and U-Hauls was completely right. She meets me after school most days and we spend the nights eating dinner, having fascinating conversations, and sleeping together.

I feel like I’m in a different world, that nothing else matters. I have this amazingly gorgeous woman who I would never ever think would be interested in a girl like me. I feel like I’m living in a fantasy that will end.

But it doesn’t. It keeps going. We see each other almost every day for two months. I think Felix gets sick of how lovey dovey we are, but I can’t help myself. I never thought I would feel this way. It feels different from anything before, even with Jess. Jess was comfortable. But Delphine is...so much more. 

Delphine is fun. Delphine is quirky. Delphine is nerdy in her own way and I really like that. Delphine turns me on in a way I can’t explain. Delphine is beautiful. Delphine is love.

Love. I love her, but I haven’t told her that. I’ve loved her since that first week we met, which I know, is way too quick. But I had felt a connection, a connection that has only gotten deeper since, down to the pit of my soul.

I’m scared though, more scared than I’ve ever been in my life. I sometimes feel like I love her too much, like there is no way she feels exactly the same way about me, so I keep my mouth shut.

\-----

“Cosima, Delphine, hey, over here!” Felix shouts. I see him standing on the corner of the street with Robbie outside the famous Nathan’s. I don’t know how he convinced me to come all the way to Coney Island. The place is always crowded, especially in the middle of July. At least it’s evening, so it’s a little bit cooler out.

“Hey guys,” I say as we approach them, Delphine’s hand in mine.

“Who’s ready to play some arcade games?” Robbie asks. 

We walk to the arcade inside the park. It’s filled with kids running around, trying to get as many tickets as they can to win some cheap prize. 

Robbie runs over to the skee-ball games and Felix follows.

“Do you like skee-ball?” I ask Delphine.

“I don’t know that I’ve ever played.”

“No? It’s fun! Come on, I’ll show you.”

I take her by the hand and lead her over, showing her how to roll the ball up and try to place it in one of the holes at the top.

“That’s it? That’s the whole game?” she asks, incredulously.

I laugh. “Yeah, it’s a favorite pastime of kids everywhere in America!”

I get her to play a game and she wants to play another. “Ok, it’s kind of fun.”

We play for a while, winning a mess of tickets. I go over to the counter with them and pick out a gift for her. I see a little plastic yellow ring that says SCIENCE IS COOL on the top of it. I think it’s funny so I get it and put it on her pinky since that’s the only finger it will fit on.

She laughs when she sees what it says. “Oh, I see why you like this one.”

“I figured you needed some swag if you’re going to be in my fan club,” I tease.

“Oh, your fan club?”

“Mhmm, but it’s mostly science geeks, so I don’t know if you’ll fit in.”

“Well, I like this science geek, so I guess I could give it a chance,” she smirks.

We all walk out on the boardwalk. I smell the sea breeze and put my arm around Delphine’s waist, pulling her in toward me as we walk.

We stop at an outdoor bar, grab some drinks, and sit at one of the tables out on the boardwalk. We chat about silly things, Felix tells a story about his drunken escapades with Robbie and we laugh.

I watch Delphine as the light from the streetlamp washes over her. She smiles and laughs at Felix’s antics, and I take her hand in mine. She’s still wearing the ring I put on her finger. My chest aches with a burning that I want to shout from the rooftops. I want her to know how I feel about her, in every way. 

We have a couple more drinks and I feel myself getting more tipsy. Everyone else at the table seems to have loosened up as well.

Robbie is ranting about his boss, “I’m just not the type of person who can waltz in and tell her off,” he says, sloppily. “I’m not that badass.”

“Oh babe, you’re badass,” Felix remarks.

“Not as badass as Delphine,” Robbie answers. “Cosima, did you know, one time Delphine quit her job because her boss was an asshole, and she told him off, right in his office, and walked out.”

“You did?” I looked at her, wide-eyed, as I felt a rush when she looked back, embarrassed.

“Yeah, she’s badass,” Robbie says.

“That’s why I love her.”

The words tumble out of my mouth too quickly to catch them. Maybe it’s the booze, but I am feeling woozy. Fuck, that’s not how I wanted that to happen.

The expression on her face changes. She looks worried. I try to play it off like I was joking around, keep joking with Felix and Robbie, but I feel her body language shift.

“Hey, I need to stretch my legs a little,” she says, and gets up to leave before I can say anything.

Felix and Robbie barely notice. They’re flirting with each other, whispering in each other’s ears.

“Guys, I’ll be right back,” I say, although they are not listening.

I see Delphine halfway down the boardwalk and I run after her. Well, not quite run, as I feel my dizzyness from the alcohol swarm to my head.

“Delphine,” I call after her.

She’s leaning with her hands against the railing, looking out onto the ocean. As I approach, she doesn’t look at me. “Hey,” I say tenderly, “are you ok?”

She turns toward me and I can see she has tears in her eyes.

“I’m fine,” she clearly lies.

I try to take her hand but she moves away.

“Delphine, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say what I said before.”

“You didn’t?” She looks me dead in the eyes with her teary eyes piercing me.

“Well I didn’t mean to say it, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t mean it.”

“So you do?”

“No… I mean yes,” I feel flustered, “I mean, fuck, yes, I love you.”

“And you’re not just saying that because you’re drunk?”

“God, no, Delphine… I’ve loved you for a long time.” I don’t know if it’s the drinks, but I am feeling overly confident and spilling everything, all the while, extremely nervous that she is going to run away at any moment.

She stares at me as a tear runs down her cheek. “Well, good, because I’ve fallen head over heels, madly in love with you.”

My heart skips like, a million beats.

I grab her in my arms and kiss her passionately, our bodies intertwining, our mouths becoming one. She lets out a soft moan as my tongue breaches her lips, pushing against me hard. My entire body is tingling and warm. I feel as if I could melt into her, and stay there forever.

We break our kiss and she pulls me in tightly, wrapping her arms down over my shoulders and holding my lower back. I rest my head on her chest and bring my lips up to kiss her collarbone.

“Let’s go home,” she whispers to me.

“Ok,” I say, beaming. 

We say goodbye to Felix and Robbie and head back to my apartment.

We’re both too drunk and tired when we get home, so we end up in my bed, tangled together, holding each other like it’s the last night we’ll spend together. I feel her warm breath on the back of my neck as sleep takes me over but my last thoughts are of her, and our love.


	12. Ripples

We have the best summer together. I take her to all my favorite spots in the city. Her band is doing really well, and plays every weekend. I go see her every time. I love watching her sing. It makes my heart soar and always reminds me of that feeling I got when I first saw her.

The new school year starts in September, and I get busy, but we still see each other frequently. She is over at my apartment almost every night. I think about asking her to move in with me but am nervous that it’s too soon. Although, she is here all the time anyway, I think to myself. 

The leaves begin changing as my favorite season approaches. I love the fall and can’t wait to spend the chilly days cuddled up next to her. I decide that I will ask her to move in, tonight, when she comes over after work.

\-----

When she walks in the door, I can tell something is wrong. Her body language is different, her face is not smiling.

“Hey, babe,” I say. “You ok?”

She doesn’t look at me. “The band has been booked for a tour. We’re going to Europe.”

“Oh my god, that’s so great!” I’m excited for her but she is not smiling.

“Cosima, I’m going to be gone for eight months.”

The smile on my face disappears and my heart sinks. “Well, that's ok,” I reason, “I'll come visit you.”

“No…”

“No?”

“I mean, I don't think it's a good idea.”

My eyebrow furrows with concern. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I don't think we should…”

“Delphine, what are you about to say?” I stutter, “Please, don't…”

“I need to focus on my music. I've been in relationships on tour before. It doesn't work out well.”

Tears begin to well up in my eyes. I'm about to lose it. “No, please, you can't do this to me. I love you.”

“And I love you. It's not the problem.”

She is crying now too. “It will just be too hard.”

“And if you leave me, that won't be hard?”

“Please, Cosima “

“Delphine,” I say, as the tears begin to flow, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” The honest words come out, even though I don’t mean for them to.

She looks at me with those gorgeous eyes full of tears. “I'm sorry…” she says as she runs out the door. 

I barely make it to the bathroom as I get sick. I kneel on the floor shaking and sobbing. The feeling is the worst I've ever felt. My mind is racing. How could she do this to me? Why is this happening? I collapse onto the floor, bringing my knees to my chest as I sob uncontrollably.


	13. Stillness

I spend the weekend in bed. I can’t bring myself to go to work on Monday so I call out sick, but by Tuesday I force myself to go.

I feel like I'm walking through life in a haze, like nothing is real. I keep replaying our conversation in my mind, continually hurting myself over and over. I don't know what I did to deserve this.

I can't believe this has happened to me again. It's a pattern. I'm cursed. Not even a whole year has passed since Jess, and here I am again, heartbroken and flailing. It's so much worse this time. I had fallen hard, so hard, for Delphine. I'm in agony. 

I try to focus on my students, throw myself into the classwork, and it takes all my courage to not break down in front of them. I cry in the bathroom on my breaks. I feel a physical twisting pain in my chest that is always there, for weeks. She doesn't call me, doesn't text, nothing.

It's like all we had together didn't even matter. 

As the months go by and we slip into winter, I feel my emotions turning toward anger. 

I hang out with Felix on occasion. He tries not to bring up Robbie because he knows I don't want to hear it, but they are still talking, still together. Of all people, Felix is in a long distance relationship. Well, it's an open relationship, but still. He occasionally tells me where they are on their tour and I think about what Delphine may be doing, how she may be feeling, catching myself before I start to cry, turning my mind toward the anger I feel for what she did to me.

Felix sets me up with this girl he knows from an art class he's taking, despite the fact that I have no interest whatsoever. She's nice, and cute, and we chat easily, but my heart is not in it at all.

We end up going back to her apartment and sleeping together. It feels fine, but there's nothing behind it. All I can do is think about Delphine's mouth on mine, her hands on my skin, her voice in my ear.

We finish quickly and I get dressed and run out the door before I start crying in front of this girl I barely know.

The winter is cold and long. Another fucking miserable winter.

I begin hanging out more with Felix and his other friends, meeting some new people here and there, but mostly I stay home and go back to the routine I had started for myself last year. Work, smoke, drink, sleep, repeat.

I eventually realize that it's finally getting warmer out again, the snow has melted and I'm moving toward the end of the school year. I think about the fact that it was about a year ago when I went to that bar with Felix. I wish I had never gone.

The pain in my chest has been replaced by a dull ache that is persistent, not as strong, but still always there. I wonder when it will go away.


	14. Interference

I stop in at the coffee shop around the corner on Saturday morning to grab my usual coffee. 

I freeze as soon as I see her. She's working on her laptop. My body tenses. 

“Shit,” I say to myself. 

I try to ignore her when I hear, “Cosima!”

I turn to look at her. Her hair is shorter, bouncier. I feel a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Hey, Delphine,” I say unenthusiastically. “I guess you're back.”

“Yes, just got in a few days ago.”

I really don't want to talk to her. I'm so angry. Hurt.

“How have you been?” she asks. 

_Fucking miserable. You broke my heart into a million tiny pieces, remember?_

“Uh, fine,” I lie. “Look, I gotta run,” I say as I grab my coffee. 

“It's good to see you, Cosima.”

“Uh huh,” I say as I run out. 

I catch my breathe on the sidewalk. All my emotions are swirling around intensely inside my body. Fuck. 

I run back to my apartment. I was not prepared for that, not at all. Seeing her there, it brought everything back. I can't even keep track of all the emotions that are happening all at once. The anger that I've felt for so long moved aside momentarily when I laid eyes on her, letting a flood of hurt and longing back in. She looked so good, so happy, when I probably just looked like a mess. 

I lay back on my couch, too hyped up to drink my coffee, my body buzzing, my mind moving a mile a minute. I close my eyes to try to calm myself, but my head is spinning. I breathe slowly, and after a few minutes, my panic subsides. I hear a knock at the door.

I get up and open it to find Delphine behind it. I sigh. 

“What do you want?” I ask her, trying to hide any emotion from my voice. 

“Can I come in? We need to talk.”

“About what?”

“Please, Cosima.”

“Fine,” I move out of the way and let her in. She sits down on my couch and I continue to stand across the room from her. 

“Cosima, I'm so sorry,” she says. 

“You're sorry?” I laugh. I actually laugh because it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. “Jesus, Delphine, do you even know what you did to me?”

“I know, I'm sorry.”

“No, I don't think you do know. You broke my fucking heart. No, that's inaccurate. You grabbed my heart from my chest, threw it against the wall and shattered it into a million pieces. Shattered my world, my whole life.”

Tears are streaming down my face now but I don't care.

“I told you I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and you walked out. You fucking walked out. Left me to deal with this shit. Alone.”

She is beginning to cry. “Cosima, I made a mistake.”

“A mistake? No, a mistake is when you accidentally spill your coffee. A mistake is when you make a typo in an email. A mistake is NOT when you walk out on the woman you love.”

“I still love you,” she says meekly. 

I sigh audibly, “How am I supposed to trust you?”

“Just, give me another chance.”

I look at her tear soaked eyes, at this woman who I have loved so deeply. I'm too angry though. I can't do this right now. 

“No. Go,” I tell her, stoically. “I need to be alone.”

She looks at me with fear in her eyes. It takes all my willpower to not grab her right there and pull her into me. 

She gets up and leaves. 

I throw myself onto the couch and sob into the pillow, which now smells like her. I cry harder.


	15. Magnets

The next week is a blur. I throw myself into my lesson plans, my students, and try to push any thoughts of her out of my mind.

Before I saw her, I was living in an ignorant state. I had compartmentalized my feelings and it was easy to close them off from the rest of my brain, despite the ache I had been carrying around.

But after I saw her, I was back at the state I had been in months ago. I was a wreck.

It is finally Friday, and I am so grateful. I have one more class period to get through. I sit down at my desk to review the lesson when I feel my phone buzz in my pocket.

**Hey, would I be able to meet you after school today?**

It's the first text I've received from her since we broke up. I don't really know how to respond. Part of me wants to see her. So badly. I know I make poor choices sometimes. I text back.

**Ok.**

She responds immediately.

**Ok, I'll see you then.**

I'm nervous. It's so stupid. I shouldn't be giving her the time of day. But I can't help myself. I close my eyes for a moment, breathing deeply before I hear the bell and the shuffling of feet outside my classroom.

I somehow make it through the class and gather my things, leaving through the front door.

She's already here, sitting on the bottom step, her blonde curls flowing over the olive jacket she's wearing. I take a deep breath and walk down to greet her.

"Hi," I say.

She turns around. "Hey," she says, smiling. "Can we go somewhere and talk?"

I've made it this far. "Sure."

She leads me to the park on the corner. We walk in silence until we sit down on opposite sides of one of the benches.

She finally breaks the silence. “Cosima, I just want you to hear me out. Please don’t feel like you need to say anything. I just want to explain myself, and then you can tell me to leave you alone if you want,” she says, nervously fidgeting with the strap of her purse, eyes down toward her lap.

I don’t say anything, waiting for her to continue.

“I was an idiot. I knew how hard it was going to be to be on tour, and I thought it would be easier if I distanced myself from you. I was in a relationship with someone when I went on a tour once for four months, and it was the worst four months, trying to keep in touch with him. He became overprotective and jealous, constantly angry at me for ignoring him. It was so stressful, and I didn’t want that for us.”

She pauses and sighs.

“But it turns out I was wrong...so wrong... about us. When I left you, I broke down. For months, I knew how much I had hurt you and I was miserable.”

I butt in, “Why didn’t you call me? Text me? Anything?”

She seems startled. “I...I don’t know. I was ashamed. I felt too guilty. I thought that maybe you’d be able to move on. I just wanted you to be happy. And I didn’t think I could give that to you. I was scared the same thing would happen so I kept trying to push you from my mind.”

Tears are forming in her eyes. “But I couldn’t. So I thought, maybe, just maybe, we could reconnect when I came back. I know, I don’t deserve this...I don’t deserve you, but I need to you know. I need you to know the truth. And that I’m so sorry for all of it.”

“Ok,” I finally say as she looks up to meet my gaze. I’m trying not to cry, trying to stay strong. “I just need some time to think.”

“Of course,” she says.

I walk away as I see tears start to stream down her face. I need to get out of there before I break down in the middle of the street. I can’t focus. The entire ride home is a blur. I just keep seeing her face. The anger inside of me is getting weaker. The sadness is winning again. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. What do I really want? She’s practically throwing herself back at me, and it’s my decision now. I’m scared though, so scared. Scared to get hurt again. Scared to keep living in this hurt.

I get home and go on my computer, trying to distract myself. I find myself on Facebook, scrolling through endless posts, not really paying attention. I stop when I see that Robbie has posted pictures from the band’s tour. I love to torture myself, so I open the album.

There are pictures of them smiling, laughing, having a great time, in many different cities. I stop on a picture of Delphine with her arm thrown around Robbie’s shoulder. That’s when I notice something on her finger. I zoom in closer on the hand that’s loosely falling off of Robbie.

Sitting on her pinky, I see a small yellow ring, the text barely readable, but I can make it out. 

She’s wearing that stupid ring I gave her the night I told her I loved her.

I flip back through the other photos. Image after image, there it is, tiny, but present. She's always wearing it. 

Fuck. This pushes me over the edge and I start to sob. All my emotions flood out and all I am left with is a feeling of want. I want her.

I send her a text.

**Hey, would you come over?**

I wait a few minutes until I hear my phone buzz. My heart is pounding.

**Yes.**

\-----


End file.
